Dear Oppo

"JGrabowMSt" (jgrabowmst) 05/24/2015 at 23:05 • Filed to: real life

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Let’s have a very brief talk about something.

Relationships are very difficult. If what Im about to say is a new concept to you, youre not prepared for a relationship. If youre in a relationship currently, you had better be in it for the long haul. The journey is long and difficult and you need to be well equipped with the correct vehicle.

If youre in a relationship, you are obligated to be supportive. Support can mean many things, so in the comments, I want you to define what it means to you to be supportive.

I want Oppo to take this very seriously.

I had a very serious altercation occur tonight which required me to support my girlfriend in ways I have both never had to do before, as well as things I do not enjoy doing. Oppo does not need to know anything about the situation, but I want Oppo to check in and be honest with me and each other.

So Oppo, what does being supportive in your relationship mean to you?

TheHondaBro > JGrabowMSt 05/24/2015 at 23:08

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I’m not in one.

Sad face.

415s30 W123TSXWaggoIIIIIIo ( •_•))°) > JGrabowMSt 05/24/2015 at 23:09

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I’ve been married for ten years. I still don’t know what goes on half the time. Is that supportive?

CB > JGrabowMSt 05/24/2015 at 23:09

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Dropping things and being there. In person, not over the phone. Lending an ear and not offering advice unless asked. That kind of stuff.

With out going into details, everything’s alright now?

Sam > JGrabowMSt 05/24/2015 at 23:11

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Ya’ll cap someone in they bitch-ass? Sorry, been listening to rap.

But I don’t do relationships. So I have nothing to contribute.

JGrabowMSt > CB 05/24/2015 at 23:13

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Things will be okay. It was a very trying evening to say the absolute least.

GeorgeyBoy > JGrabowMSt 05/24/2015 at 23:14

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Depends on the situation, and I’ve had some shitty situations.

CB > JGrabowMSt 05/24/2015 at 23:15

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Good to hear that things will be okay.

JGrabowMSt > GeorgeyBoy 05/24/2015 at 23:23

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We’ve both had situations that are more similar than different. It should never depend on the situation though.

Being in it for the long haul can mean many things, but most importantly, it means acting in their best interests, even when they dont know it.

HammerheadFistpunch > JGrabowMSt 05/24/2015 at 23:27

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its sure hard to say, sitting here on my light box without any info, but the important thing is that you are trying to do the things you would like to see yourself do if you were reading about your life in a book (and you aren’t an ass in said book). does that make any sense?

AMGtech - now with more recalls! > JGrabowMSt 05/24/2015 at 23:29

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I hope everything works out for you.

For me, supportiveness has meant something different in every relationship. My wife is emotionally nuts. So most of the time it means listening and being emotionally rock solid while still being open about what I’m feeling. Also not getting on her too much about how messy the inside of her car usually is, or other little things like that. But overall, she is my number 2 priority, following very closely behind our daughter. Nothing else even comes close.

Jordan and the Slowrunner, Boomer Intensifies > TheHondaBro 05/24/2015 at 23:34

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Think of all the saved money.

TheHondaBro > Jordan and the Slowrunner, Boomer Intensifies 05/24/2015 at 23:36

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What money?

Is even sadder.

Your boy, BJR > JGrabowMSt 05/24/2015 at 23:40

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Holy shit dude did you shoot someone?

Vicente Esteve > JGrabowMSt 05/24/2015 at 23:42

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I am in a relationship, and have been for almost three years which for a teenager my age is rare. I see being supportive as giving priority to her compared to other things. Supportive in a situation? I would guess being with your partner until he or she starts moving on or turning the page. Sort of staying with your partner in the worst sadness until he or she see’s the light on the other side of the tunnel.

GeorgeyBoy > JGrabowMSt 05/24/2015 at 23:43

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I think there’s a fine line between being supportive and being used. Which is why I think it depends.

I like to think I know the difference.

fhrblig > JGrabowMSt 05/24/2015 at 23:48

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It’s a struggle for me sometimes. My partner is beyond unhappy at his job to the point of it affecting his self-worth. He has an extreme amount of experience as a retail store manager, not to mention a stellar track record at it, but he can’t get an offer from anyone else. That’s made him question his abilities, and his company makes bad decision after bad decision. I’m seriously worried about him becoming depressed. The worst part for me is that I have to watch all this and have no way to make it better. I don’t really know what to do, so I just try to do things to make him know how much I love him.

Sweet Trav > JGrabowMSt 05/24/2015 at 23:53

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Supportive means, the relationship is priority number one. It means that you will be whatever your better half needs you to be to get through the day. Yamahog and I still get told we are in the “Honeymoon” phase of the relationship, but I can honestly say that I have never been more comfortable with anyone. We have our ups and downs a little arguments but we know that the relationship is more important than being right and the way back is one of communication. We support each other fully, with our careers, our life goals and we are both good at helping each other get through a rough day. We all have our struggles and knowing you have someone to pick you up when you fall is a wonderful feeling.

Jordan and the Slowrunner, Boomer Intensifies > TheHondaBro 05/25/2015 at 00:00

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Valid point :(

XJDano > JGrabowMSt 05/25/2015 at 00:16

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Relationships are hard. Period.

I’ve been married for 5 years. We have had our share of ups & downs. We have made both good & bad life choices together.

Now we haven’t been in any physical fights. But what hard times you go through will with bring you closer or drive you apart.

Good luck with your situation.

JGrabowMSt > Sweet Trav 05/25/2015 at 00:18

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Knowing only so much about both you and Yamahog, I’m still very confident that you’re both doing everything right.

No relationship is without it’s ups and downs, but as you said, knowing you have someone to pick you up is truly something else in life.

I’ve posted before about my relationship and it was more depth than I will get into again, but we’ll just say that I really hope you and Yamahog never have to experience anything similar to what’s happened either tonight or in the past. It puts more stress on a relationship than there really ever should be. Yamahog, from what we have talked about, is a really great person, and she’s always been very sure footed. If she’s comfortable, it wont be difficult to recognize, at least from what I can gather.

Bairclaw > JGrabowMSt 05/25/2015 at 00:30

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I’m 19 and so is my girlfriend. She doesn’t drive and doesn’t have a license. I’m completely supportive of that because even though driving is important, I don’t think its for everyone. Almost like college. But I must say my girlfriend is incredibly smart and has maintained a 4.0 in her first three semesters of college. It’s a little weird though because my life revolves around cars. She can be a little dramatic at times but I have to say that I can be stupid at times as well. We work things out and we have a strong relationship and I see it moving forward. As for you I hope things work out for the best, the community is here for you.

JGrabowMSt > fhrblig 05/25/2015 at 00:34

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Knowing that it can be a struggle sometimes to me just means that your relationship is testing you both. But honestly, that means that the relationship is doing it’s job. If you don’t feel pushed ever by your relationship, you may not be in the right relationship. You should never go through a relationship having never learned something about yourself.

As far as the situation at hand, is he looking within the same area, or has he branched out at all? My job search expanded hugely when I got a surprise offer (I had connections) to a new job 40 miles away. The commute is an hour each way, more with traffic, but I have more hours, just slightly more pay, but a great new environment. Has he looked into branching out beyond his comfort zone as well? I know that’s a touchy subject, especially when he’s feeling down to begin with, but it may be something to seriously consider. A change in scenery can prove very beneficial, especially if it means he can get an opportunity to show his skills to people that can grant him a potential upgrade.

But as Travis said about his relationship, being there is beneficial enough in your relationship.

JGrabowMSt > Bairclaw 05/25/2015 at 00:39

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Sometimes having too much in common can be a bad thing, you’re never subjected to anything new, or pushed out of your comfort zone. No one is perfect, but being able to work things out and be mature and supportive about it is a very important thing. When you’re able to see it moving forward, that’s a very good thing. If you were to doubt your relationship, that would be a dangerous thing. Something I’ve told many people is that when you begin to have doubts, it’s often already at the point where you have to decide whether you’re still in or not.

As far as my relationship is concerned, there are few people I talk to regarding specifics about the situation, but knowing that I have a supportive community like Oppo to come to, even if ambiguously, is a very big thing. It does mean more than could be expressed.

yamahog > JGrabowMSt 05/25/2015 at 00:40

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Thank you for the kind words, hoping everything is going to be ok for you and your SO so you two can enjoy your holiday weekend, and props to you for being supportive.

JGrabowMSt > yamahog 05/25/2015 at 00:43

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We’ll make it through. One way or another, she deserves to have tomorrow just as much as anyone else. If I can help her get there, I’m going to do what it takes.

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > JGrabowMSt 05/25/2015 at 00:43

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Being supportive is being a source of relief and stability in the face of other factors that are hindering your partner (and as a byproduct, your relationship at times).

However, the lines become blurred, if not outright crossed, if your partner violates your trust or treats you poorly and you put the burden on yourself to forgive them, etc. (we’re talking extreme situations here, not a fight about lost territory on the bathroom countertop) then we’ve got a problem. Or something else, like a massive bombshell, like a deal-breaker secret that they held in their back pocket until they thought you COULDN’T leave them.

Basically, there are no absolutes. You are not obligated to do anything. People should just treat each other well and the rest will take care of itself. Since I have no context as to what of the BILLIONS of awful things that can happen to you, your partner, in a vacuum, or your relationship itself, I’m not sure quite what to say. Other than you sound burdened, if not hurt.

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > GeorgeyBoy 05/25/2015 at 00:46

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Si si, this is the slippery slope many have fallen upon. One side of your brain says, “We have to make this work, I should be supportive.” The other said says, “I shouldn’t be treated this way.” Frankly, I support the latter.

JGrabowMSt > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 05/25/2015 at 00:57

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My relationship has lots of baggage, though none of it holds us back, nor is it difficult to carry. Today was just a lot of ignored comments that build up and became a very explosive situation, but not between her and I, it was between her and a third party which had no business making any comments in the first place. I just had to make sure things didn’t escalate to a dangerous situation. Burdened, yes, but only with the task of being level headed in situations that are very dangerous. Something extremely important in my relationship.

So are there no absolutes, no, but there are ways to determine right and wrong, and in the moment, there can’t be second thoughts about it. Tonight was not a question about forgiveness, because no lines were expressly crossed that were set in the relationship. All that said, her safety comes first, and making sure she is safe. I’ve never had to truly protect her like I had to tonight, but going back, I only wish the entire situation could have been avoided, but in short, there wouldn’t have been any getting around it.

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > JGrabowMSt 05/25/2015 at 01:02

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So basically your girlfriend was assaulted and you had to defend her in an unavoidable situation and now there may be ramifications of sorts henceforth?

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > 415s30 W123TSXWaggoIIIIIIo ( •_•))°) 05/25/2015 at 01:09

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I’m in year one. Teach me your ways, master

415s30 W123TSXWaggoIIIIIIo ( •_•))°) > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 05/25/2015 at 01:35

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Let things go. Marriage is not like a girlfriend!

fhrblig > JGrabowMSt 05/25/2015 at 01:48

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I think going outside his comfort zone is scary to him. He’s been with his company for something like 13 years now. But he can’t stay; the upper management is running the company into the ground and has made their morale almost nonexistent.

I keep trying to push him toward more upscale stuff, like in the Cherry Creek area. He’s very charming, and would do well in a boutique or something along those lines. I think he might need to make a total career change though, which is a scary thing to do when you are in your late 30s.

JGrabowMSt > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 05/25/2015 at 01:55

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No ramifications for me, but certainly other people.

Its just one of those things though, you dont let it go because its just not what you do in life. Backing down is like saying youre not willing to be there when you are needed.

JGrabowMSt > fhrblig 05/25/2015 at 02:34

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Is he working part time, or full time?

If its part time, I would suggest travelling out to a new place and seeing how comfortable he is somewhere. Find out if he likes a new area, and maybe try suggesting he at least ask about hiring. The worst that happens is the answer is no, but to skip asking is wasting a potential opportunity.

Hes going to need both the most positive encouragement and a little push in the right direction, and it may be able to do the world for him. I mean you know him better, but its what I would attempt. My girlfriends job situation isnt any better. Shes trapped in a shitty job with zero room for advancement, coworkers that are very harrassing, but also shitty pay. I need to just find an apartment and get her out of there, but its very tough. You guys will make it though. Just be encouraging and help him along whatever path he chooses.

themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles > JGrabowMSt 05/25/2015 at 03:12

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Honestly - It’s all about communication and adaptation. My current partner has a habit of just speaking out loud what’s on her mind when it is something random and meaningless. If she’s quiet, I know something serious is on her mind. Now this is a problem because my family is the exact opposite - random thoughts are kept to yourself but actual topics of discussion are brought up and vocalized. So it has taken us both some time and effort to learn how to “read” one another.

And even then........weirdly enough we both sorta know there is a bit of an “expiration date” of sorts when she graduates and considers moving to Japan. It’s an odd setup but I figure either a) we’re somehow going to spend our lives together or b) we’re not, but we both got some kicks to the head about what we want and how other people are different. Either way, I’ve never had to put this much effort into something but at the same time, I don’t know if the rewards have ever been greater. I hope your own situation stabilizes and you can find what youneed to do going forward. I don’t know what’s going on but based on your choice of words I am 99% sure I haven’t experienced that in a relationship.......I have with friends though. I hope you’re both okay and everyone is or will soon be healthy and happy.

BUT I want to stress something I’ve had to both accept for myself and beat into a friend of mine - you are obligated to be supportive, but you are not obligated to sacrifice your own happiness and enjoyment for the other. TO put it differently - coming to a compromise is not the same as compromising your own happiness. I got sickened when I heard the advice being told to my friend that he had to “be 100% supportive” of his girlfriend moving out of state and wanting to do long distance......and also have an open relationship. At some point, you have to admit that you need to re-evaluate compatibility and enjoyment. I hope this was a temporary issue and not one where one or both of you have to do nothing but give while the other takes. For all who read, heed this warning - If you can’t have a frank discussion about wants/needs, get out. If you feel the NEED, not the want but the NEED to hide your true feelings in most of these discussions, it isn’t a relationship that will last.

JGrabowMSt > themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles 05/25/2015 at 03:48

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Under normal circumstances, I would completely agree fully with you, but as with so many other things in life, there are exceptions.

I can certainly understand your communication struggles, my girlfriend has a lot of trouble opening up until things have reached the point of no return. Ive learned to recognize when theres something on her mind, but its not perfect, and sometimes I miss things, sometimes I push harder than I should to get her to talk.

The big difference with my relationship is that my girlfriend has PTSD. Because of that, when you say that you should never sacrifice your own happiness, I completely agree. If youre miserable in your current position, change it. For me, Ive learned to both recognize and appreciate different things in life. My girlfriends well being and safety come ahead of my own because of that. PTSD is extremely difficult to cope with for herself, the last thing she needs is for me to be putting myself first. Its not a situation just anyone can truly understand, and I dont expect people to just accept it, but just know that if you were in the same situation, it would be a challenge to hang onto your current beliefs and really resist change.

I struggle with it. Today has not made me doubt my relationship, but it has shown me something way beyond what I thought I knew about her. She needs all the help she can get, and as long as its within my power to provide that help, I will be. Obviously I cant do it all on my own, but I provide everything within my power. I get more out of seeing her happy and healthy than I would ever get out of anything else, and without being in a similar situation, I wouldnt expect anyone else to understand what that really means.

Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. > JGrabowMSt 05/25/2015 at 05:49

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Both me and my gf are very dysfunctional people so support means accepting each others... quirks.

cornerslide > JGrabowMSt 05/25/2015 at 05:54

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You’re on their side even when they are wrong. I know that sounds strange but a problem can be compounded quickly in front of others and made harder to solve in private later. If the relationship is solid the other person will see the light later and have more respect for you if you don’t make them look bad first.

fhrblig > JGrabowMSt 05/25/2015 at 10:19

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Full time. And the other issue is that he makes significantly more than I do. I’m sure that is also putting pressure on him, but I don’t care about the money. I’d much rather cut our spending back and have him happy doing a job he loves than see his current job suck the joy and life out of him every day.